I feel terrible today. It just has not been a good week. My headaches are coming back again......

Last weekend I was not feeling well. The weekends is when I do my big clean of my house as during the week there is just no time. Anyway, I did a bit of tiding up but not much. The other problem is the power head is broken in the vacuum and the other head for it is more for tiles so does not really give it a good clean. We have not be able to fix the power head again (as it has gone a few times) plus I can not afford a new vacuum.

Anyways, my brother and his partner came up for a visit. His partner is allergic to animals (we have a big dog, 3 guinea pigs, hamster, 2 rabbits and 2 lizards) so you would think he would take an allergy pill before he came. So they came on Saturday night for a while and left to sleep at my sister in laws house (she has no pets). The next day they come over and all I hear is how there is so much pet dander around the house and all they can smell is dog.

I can’t smell it but maybe that is also because I am used to the dog.

Then my brother mentions how messy my house is. That I need to work on a routine for cleaning and not getting overwhelmed with it all. I am thinking in my head, “are you f**ing kidding me?” I am so stressed and tired and overwhelmed and I need to –work on it- no shit Sherlock.

We had gone to the pumpkin farm with them and my sister in law and her son. We meet up with my fathers wife’s son and his family. I instantly felt guilty for not including them and asking them to join us all. My brother and sister in law are like why do we need to invite them? My sister in law knew they were coming today. I was thinking why am I the bad guy most of the time in the family and here is an example of me not including someone because I forgot while the others just did not want to……

Then my sisters husband and her daughter and mother were there. I do NOT get along with my sister or her husband at all. So Gracie ran over before I could grab her. Aimett (sister in law) is friendly with them all so she went over with her son to say hello. They completely ignored Gracie and I called her away to continue on to where we were going.

Later on in the evening while we were home, my sister Heather called freaking on my brother because he did not say Hello to her husband. Really. Now if Jeff (the husband) does not speak to you it is ok, but if you do not speak to him it is you insulting him and ignoring him boo hoo. I stayed out of it. Heather ended up turning it all around and making it look like Aimett (who is in the middle because she is friendly with all of us) was the one who caused all the drama.

Flash forward to last night……

I am feeling very sick by the time I pick up the kids. I have been getting headaches off/on a lot lately. This one was on the verge of a migraine with I also suffer from occasionally. I was feeling sick to my stomach.

I get into the house with the kids and go into the kitchen to make dinner which I do not want to do. All I want to do is go to bed. The kids start,
“can I go to my friends house” I say no we have to do homework and have dinner, you have chores to do and pets to feed. Besides the fact they say I am going to a friends house and 10 minutes later a trail of kids swarms in my house. I was just not in the mood for all of them.

Gracie whined for a bit but stopped when she started to color. Ayden went on and on and on and on. I said Ayden stop you are not going out, WHY MOMMY I REALLY WANT TO GO IT IS NOT FAIR I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS YOU ARE MEAN I HATE YOU whine whine voice.

This went on for about a half hour then I snapped

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE PACK YOUR BAG AND GO SLEEP AT YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE” I went over and opened the front door.

He is looking at me “can I go then”

YEAH AND STAY THERE

But I only want to visit not sleep there

BUT IF YOU DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME AND YOU WANT TO BE RUDE TO ME YOU CAN GO AND LIVE THERE

He does not move but is thinking about it. Now my headache is all encompassing. My head almost feels light headed and the pain is searing.
Now I know I feel so bad but I am also so mad. I am standing there thinking Dr. Phil said you teach people how to treat you, where did I go wrong with Ayden? How did I teach him it is ok for him to be rude to me and his father?

He starts with the YOU HATE ME. I think oh god now he is gona turn on the drama. I can’t handle this. He starts being very saucy and rude.

I give in.

I say go and come home when your father comes home (which is in like 30 minutes) so he leaves and comes back 5 minutes later. His buddy is not there now can he try another friend. He goes and comes back in another 5 minutes. It is now almost 10 minutes before Sean comes home. Can I go try another friend? I am like no your father will be here in 10 minutes so you need to eat now.

I make his dinner and his is complaining the whole time. I am ignoring him now because I don’t want to argue with him. Sean walks in the door. He comes over to me and takes one look at me and says what is going on? Ayden starts. I said to Sean I am so frustrated. He starts trying to talk to Ayden which of course turns into a yelling match. Ayden runs up stairs with the YOU GUYS HATE ME.

When I went up stairs later on to get them into bed he came into my room to talk about his Pokemon Cards. He is going on and on for at least a ½ hour about this card and that and all this information. I am telling him you see Ayden I really like talking to you like this, your tone and manners are excellent. I hugged him and told him I loved him.

That is the thing with Ayden, one minute his is so saucy you want to slap him and the next minute he is a sweet nice boy.

So today I feel crappy about that…..

I have a wedding to go to on Saturday with Sean for his nephew. I am so dreading it but it means a lot to Sean so I want to go for him.

The problem is partly my brother and his partner are suppose to baby-sit over night. But he said on the weekend I really need to clean up my house before they come back and either rent a steam cleaner or use the power shop vac on the floors. So now I think when am I gona find the time to CLEAN THE HOUSE before Saturday morning? Plus I worry they will tie up my dog all day and night which will drive the dog crazy.

My hair is terrible but my friend is going to do it tonight so that is a positive thing.

Nothing to wear and no money to buy anything. My niece lent me a really nice dress that fits me but does not flatter me at all. I have no time to shop even at Value Village. My sister in law said she would go with me to try to find something and if not wear the other dress because it is –ok-.
I have not seen Sean’s family in a long long time and I really did not want them to see me fat and in a not flattering dress. But what do I do?

I feel this pressure at the ask of my head and I know my headache is gona come back. I am going to my friends house tonight to get my hair done in the city and I will be sleeping over at her house. I have to look at that as my mini vacation.

I need a plan, I need a vacation, I want my Mom……..

Queenie

Today is a very hard day.

Today is my Mother's 60th birthday. Or I guess I should say, would have been her birthday. It is hard to believe it is almost two years since she died yet I guess it seems like a lot longer then that as well.

I have been so emotional all day. Going from thinking about her and crying to trying not to think about her. I wore a butterfly today in memory of her.

I so wish she was here with me. I know she is spirtually here with me but I mean really here to hug me, to tell me everything is ok, to talk to, to hear her words of advice.....

I miss her so much

Queenie

Sometimes I worry about mental issues and depression……

My mother and brother suffered from depression and were both on medication. I myself had a break down a couple of years ago and was off work for a few months and on medication. I have been off medication for just about a year and have been in therapy off/on for a long time.

Most of the times I am ok even hopeful but when I have down days they are very bad. Last week I had a down day on the bus after my fight with Sean. Yesterday I had another one.

My bus was late, it was raining. The blocked off the street by my house so I had to detour which I hate because I have no sense of direction and was afraid I was going to get lost. When I went to go pick up the kids, they already ate at the sitters which is ok because it saves me cooking for them. When we got home the dog was jumping on us (happy to see us) and he hit Ayden’s knee. Ayden smacked him (not that it hurt the dog – lots of flab there to protect him). But I yelled at him for hitting the dog. That started it. Ayden goes to fly off the handle so easily. I guess that set the tone for us.

I tell them to go to the table to do homework. Homework our F word. Ayden starts to ask me questions to help him. Gracie asks me questions about her letters. I was getting so frustrated because I wanted to make my and seans dinner because I was hungry.

Ayden wants to go out to play, I am telling him he has to finish homework first. Yell Yell Yell some more. I go into the kitchen and it is a mess. Not an unusual mess but the normal mess. The pots and pans I needed were dirty, there were fruit flies on the counter (mystery fruit flies who NEVER go away no matter how much I clean the counter and move the fruit).

Ayden finished up homework, and asked if he could go out with his friend. Earlier when we were yelling about the dog and he was being saucy I said no going out. Of course I let him out so he would be out of my hair. Gracie asks for friends to come over (still have not gotten to go back in the kitchen) I say no friends over but you can go to friends house (they live two houses up) So she calls them (sisters) “can you guys come over, ok see you soon” click. I said NOOOOOO I said no kids in. Ding dong in come the kids and Ayden and his friend come back.

Everyone heads upstairs to play fight yell run around jump ect.

All the while the guinea pigs are SQUEAK SQUEAK – roughly translated WHERE IS MY FOOD WE ARE STARVING. I feel guilty because they are hungry. Keep in mind I have only been home maybe 40 minutes by this time.

So I chop up veggies for all the pets, tell the kids to quite down.

All the while my breathing is becoming more rapid and the feelings of being not in control and not being able to cope were getting stronger and stronger.

I just started to cry. I went on the back step and sat down and just felt so low, so defeated. The kids are running around downstairs and making noise and I thought I can’t do this. I can’t be a cook run a house be a wife and mom. I wanted to quit.

I hate these low points, it is a struggle to think positive.

After a bit I kept telling myself you can do it, you can do it.
I went back in the kitchen and stood after the sink and cried. I decided to feed the animals and cut up their veggies.

Sean came in and looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I said I am stressed. He went to put his stuff away. My first reaction was to get mad because he did not stay right then and there and keep asking me or comforting me. But I waited. After a bit he came back over asked me what was wrong.
I sobbed out the whole story. He gave me a hug and started to clean up the dishes. It was such a nice gesture. I cooked the pork chops and he cleaned up the pots.

I mean I guess it was not all about the kitchen being messy (because it ALWAYS is on a daily basis) but it made me feel so good when he asked how I was and hugged me and just put his hand on my shoulder while I was cooking. It was very comforting when I was feeling so alone.

Queenie

Hi All,

Catching up on some blogs today. I have decided my goal should be to post once a week.

Let's see what is new..........

Kids are ok. My main issues with them are sauciness and not listening. I blame myself for some of that because I threaten to punish and don't always follow through. Sometimes we should like adults arguing not kid and parent. My boy is especially bad at this. It can be so frustrating. Part of my problem is that I am always so rushed and tired. Sometimes it is easier for me to let them out or watch TV or what ever so they are out of my hair.

School is ok. Ayden is having some issues with working independently. I have to go meet with his teacher this week about it. Homework is now suppose to be done with no parent supervision or assistance. I understand why they do this, they need to see where the student is at and work on what they need to improve and they can not do that if the parents do the homework for the kid or point out all the mistakes to be fixed. It is a problem for us though. I get "mom I do not understand this word or what this means" but this is the point of this at home homework. Reading comprehension. UG

Sometimes I think I wish homework and schoolwork was all done at school and I will work on other things at home like responsibility and compassion (yeah as his sister and him fight with each other constantly), which is another thing that drives me batty. The fight ALL THE TIME. About EVERYTHING. The just pick and pick at each other. They hit and scratch each other then are ok and then back at it again.

If I had a quarter for every “ ok guys cut it out “ I would not need to get on the hateful bus everyday!!!!!!!

The job is still the same, I am still commuting. Going on 4 years now. UG. I hate the bus. Sometimes when I think about it I think I am going crazy. Commuting is my part time job with no pay!! So many hours a day 2 in the morning and 2 ½ in the evening (if there is not long weekend, bad weather, accident, construction) but there are so many other people that do it. Our buses are full. I wonder how they do it.

I started looking for a job in the city where I live. I guess honestly I am not pursuing it as I should right now. I get a bonus at work at Christmas so I want to get that first so maybe after the new year I will make it my goal for 2006 to find a job there……..

Sent my hubby a text yesterday. Decided to try and shake it up a little bit and maybe knock him out of his complacency. Asked him how he would feel about spontaneous sex acts, like if I took him in a room for a BJ. Thought ok that should shake him up. His response was “yahh baby that would rock” Now you have to know my hubby. He NEVER using that expression or wording. I was like oh god, he left his phone somewhere and someone see the text and texted back. So I texted him again with “was that you, weird reply” and I got “it was all me baby”.

Still having my doubts, I asked him when we got home. He said yeah it was me. I said it was just weird how you answered me. He said it is an expression he picked up from his new buddy at work. Apparently this guy has all the girls after him at work and he and Sean have bonded. He said the guys is funny and talks about girls and sex a lot. I am like ok maybe this will be a good thing. Maybe this guy can pass on hits and suggestions to him…. Fingers crossed….

But then Sean says yeah about that text, can we do that Friday. I thought ok there is the husband I know! Honey it is not spontaneous if you plan it !!!!!!!!

I am working on being happy. Trying to find out what works for me and my family and doing that. I guess it is a job in progress right. Just never seems to be enough time in the day…..

Ok well I guess I will close for now as work is calling me….. Queenie J

Sean texted me at work and told me he wanted to talk when he got home.

And we did

It was a good talk.

As far as money went, well there is a problem for us because we are both spenders. No ying and yang here and we have always been like that. We really have to work on spending and not going crazy. We have a pattern of spending into debt consolidating and running it up again.

One solution he thought of was getting a part time job. We could use the money but then again he would either have to give up his off days or not be around more then he is already not now. Which is not great…..

Then at his work management decided they needed a manger of his department and he decided to apply for it. He has a good chance because he has the most seniority in the department and is very well liked by staff and management. So fingers crossed……..

We decided we needed to spend more time with each other and with the kids in a positive manner. So for us as a couple, we have to spend an hour with other doing what the other liked. I love my night time TV so he looked at the shows I like and picked one to watch with me. House on Tuesday nights. So now I will spend an hour with him this weekend doing something he likes, probably on the computer.

We are working on what to do with the kids. It is hard. They fight with each other so much. The drive each other crazy and in turn drive us crazy. I am trying to work on a routine with them but they just do not listen……

As for the sex issues, he has agreed to see my doctor. My doctor is great. She works on a problem will she solves it and does not give up or write you a prescription to get rid of you.

So needless to say things are looking better. I myself I have to work on not letting something small get me down. This is the problem with depression. It is always a struggle I have. I have to look up and look forward. And pray a lot. I pray to God and my mom a lot.

I want to say thank you to all of my blogging buddies I hear from this week. It is nice to see you are all still around and sending your support

Take care of yourselves!