Hi All,

My day was great up until about 730pm when my sister called me. So much back history here that I will save for another blog...

Anyway, I called her earlier in the day to talk to her about my Dad's wedding. Denise wants us to stand for her and any input we have she would like.

Was I so not ready for the toxic waste that came out of her mouth....

She is sarcastic right off the bat. She is like "you think I am going to stand in their wedding with our mother watching down from Heaven, like I would want her to see that"

It pretty much got ugly from there....

I am like what are you talking about? why are you so angry? Do you have a direct problem with me or Dad because if it is with Dad then you need to talk to him and not dump your negative shit on me.

She basically told me she thinks it is bad they are having a wedding, they should just go to the justice of the peace. She would NEVER stand in their wedding and she is not surprised I am or that I am getting involved. I said what is that suppose to mean? Apparently I am a suck up to my Dad and disrespecting my mothers memory by being so "OK" with all of this.

I am like WTF?

Dad only visits me apparently. Now I have to say right here and right now, you get out of a relationship what you put into it. I work on my relationship with my Dad. It has not always been rosy. I call him on the phone he does not always call me and I drive my ass to his house. She never visits him. So what ever that problem their is her and his issue not mine. She is jealous for stupid reasons....

Then the death blow, the reason I am NEVER EVER speaking to her again.

"so I heard you are coaxing the kids to call Denise Nanny, how could you" I am like again WTF? I said not that it is any of your business but I told the kids they were getting married and Ayden was so happy he ASKED me if he could call her Nanny. She is like well why could not he call her something else like Grand mother why does it have to be Nanny, I am like what is the difference….

She goes well do you even ever bother to talk to them about Ma anymore? Mom thought the world of your kids and you repay her memory by having someone replace her ect ect…

I was so mad. I said you know what? Where the hell have you been? You knew the kids were hurting so much from loosening Ma and where the hell were you? Do you come to see them EVER? If you don’t want to bother with me I can deal with it but you never bother with the kids? No and what did they ever do.

And don’t you tell me about my mothers memory or my depth of grief. I do what she would want which is get up and brush my stuff off and move forward. My kids are my world. She would expect me to put them and their happiness first. I do that. They have a wonderful relationship with their Grandfather and Denise who has opened up her heart to my kids and given them something they needed. They are happy.

Then I stopped. I thought screw this, I don’t need to explain myself to her.

So I hung up on her

Then I started to cry. Sob actually. I called my Dad, something she said I always do. I called him at Denise’s house and he was not there so she is like WTF? Ok not really F but what is wrong? I told her then I called my Dad.

I don’t know why my sister was so hateful. I don’t know why she did that. It was so mean. She made me doubt myself for a second. Was I doing something wrong? Then I thought no. You can not measure your grief to someone else. You can be mad cause someone does not appear as SAD as you are.

To question my grief for my Mom hurt but to throw in the part of kids. No. She crossed the line and I am not going to forgive her.

I am not talking to her again. I have gone through enough in my life that I do not need her toxic self. I think you should look at your blessing and live life to the fullest. Make the best of what life throws at you. I did that. I do that.

I cried all night. My son is like why are you crying (he snuck down the stairs) I said I am cooking with onions, he is like ok mom can you tell me the truth now. I was blown away. Only 7 years old. I of course did not tell him. It is not a child’s place to be involved in grown up problems. I told him I was talking to a friend and I was upset with her. He believed me which is good.

Ok Bloggers, I am going to go back to work now, wanted to get that off of my chest.

Queenie

Hi

Today was a good day. I started out watching the 40 year old virgin movie on the bus on the way to work. OMG it is so funny. I thought the poor bus driver thought I was crazy laughing in the silence of the bus (had on my head phones), work was ok. Looked up a lot of pokemon ideas for Ayden's birthday and got a plan on how I am going to listen to my Dr. Phil Family First CD. Laughed a lot at work today, my co-workers were cracking jokes all over the place. On the way home I thought I was going to miss the bus but the light turned red so I caught it!!

Wow what a day......

The kids are co-operating (ok kinda but as good as they can be)
Even the dog is listening! I told him not to come up the stairs and stay at the bottom and wait for me and he did it!

maybe I should be buying a lotto ticket today!

Sean is not home which sucks but I have to get used to this shift change. I think I will put out the garbage and recycling for him. Then again, it is really cold and I have to do homework with Ayden....

Funny, the dog is laying on his back with his ball in his hands holding it above him mouth chewing on it. If you did not know the dog, between his body size and his big set of chompers he could be pretty scary except when you say "come here mommies little wobby baby" and he puts his head down and snuggles you!!!

Ah all is well in the world tonight....

Sleep tight my blogger friends

Queenie

I decided that I have to be more positive. Make things better.
That is the most important thing right, to make the decision?

Go forward, work on stuff, get a plan.

I was listening to Dr Phil CD Family First, in it he says

” you can only achieve what you believe you deserve “

How profound is that…..

So if you think you do not deserve something you set yourself up to fall right off of the bat.

Funny, I am sitting here trying so hard to be positive and not over whelmed as the kids run around screaming fighting and Ayden just dropped a whole box of cereal down the basement stairs. Breath breath breath breath……..

I think this thinking positive this is much easier to do when it is quite.

Ok lets start again, I just chased the kids upstairs with a warning of forever grounding if they bug me for the next 10 minutes. So much for positive….

Anyway, so I start with my weight. Oh lordy. I have gained weight over the last little while that has got me very concerned. Weight is a big thing to me (no pun intended) because my Mom and Grandmother were both obese and died of related causes. I don’t’ want to be fat and die. On Friday I was talking to a friend who was in Weight Watchers about food ect and another friend got involved in the conversation. She said she used to be where I am. She said she wanted to help me. She knows a lot about food and stuff. So I figure this is the first step in getting some help/guidance I need…….

I did a reading with my Angle cards on the weekend. I dabble in that a bit. I was shuffling and was asking my Mom to give me guidance the card that popped out of the deck was Balance. I think my Mom is trying to help me out but showing me the thing that should be obvious to me.

Next I guess is my husband. We have some intimacy issues. He is very hard to talk to about most subjects but this one is particularly hard. I sent him an email the other day saying what I was feeling. I think it was a good thing (we have not completely discussed it yet) but it gives him an opportunity to think about what I said and get his thoughts in order to answer me at a later date. That way he is not pressured to give a response on the spot.

Being tired, this is a toughie. I am trying to be better with going to bed on time. I started taking Wake up pills sometimes. I have to be careful with them because about two years ago I kinda got addicted to them. I was having a lot of other issues and the fatigue was a lot worse. Now I use them on the weekends only sometimes when I need a little help to get going.

My kids, this is a work in progress and I guess will be for the rest of our lives. As Ayden is sitting on the basement stairs flicking cereal down them. I am debating whether or not to spank him all the way up the stairs or just tell him to cut it out again for the fifth time….

Oh well I guess we can not be positive about every single thing at once right!!!!!

Well my blogger friends, my quite time has ended. I have to go suck it up and clean up my house. My nieces are not over this weekend and I have to clean stinky’s cage…..

Take care and will check in with you all later………

Queenie

Hi,

I figure if I write out all my frustrations it will be like getting them all off my chest and out of my system.
Then I can stop dwelling on them…..

I HATE COMMUTING, LIVING IN BARRIE CAN SUCK

Yesterday my bus ride was 3 hours. That was just on the way home. We had freezing rain and traffic on the highway was pretty much at a stand still. When we got there it was a skating rink to try to get across the parking lot. Then the joy of chipping frozen ice off of your van. Yippee. I later learned from my husband that my procedure of hitting my scrapper off of the ice to make it crack is not a good idea. It can apparently crack your windshield. Although in retrospect I do understand at the time it was “are you fing kidding me? Was I suppose to stand there all friggen night scrapping down the bloody layers!”.

Did not pick up the kids from the sitters till almost 7pm. Order pizza on visa that we really could not afford but I was not cooking at 7pm since I had to spend most of that time outside putting down salt as hubby tried to get the van up the ice rink otherwise known as our driveway into the garage so this morning when I left I would not have to try and scrape it.

On the way to work this morning on the radio the announcer was saying “fun ride home tonight for all you commuters, rain turning to snow to flurries by tomorrow morning we will have another 25 cm of snow”

UGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUG

This is what I get for moving up North and working in the city. And did my city friends get any freezing rain? Of course not…..

Ok I feel better now

All I can say is if we get a shit load of snow, I am calling in sick tomorrow!!!!!!!

Queenie

Good Morning,

Feeling shitty today, Sean told me last night they are changing the shifts at Home Depot all across the board.
The choice is 7-4 or 11-8. He took 11-8 during the week because if he took the earlier shift he would have to
drop the kids at the sitter at 6:30am and I don't think the babysitter can take them that early not to mention it could cost
us more money that we can not already afford.

So starting next week 11-8. I said I will be a single parent again. He will not get home till 8:30pm at least.
He will not be home to help me do anything with the kids. I was so pissed I went to be at 8pm last night. I know
it is not his fault and I understand the reasoning behind it but I was so angry. The weekends will be 11-8 a lot and
occasionally 7-4 but he said they can not just give him early shifts on the weekends because everyone wants them.

Just feel like I am stuck doing everything most of the time now, I feel like I am always on my own. We decided years
ago about these opposite days off for the sake of babysitting and now we have to keep them partly because of money
and partly because he is lucky enough to get consistent days off as it is. Most people get random days off and not even
always together and that would not work for babysitting or the kids.

I was thinking the other day how to change our routine to be better, to do more for myself, maybe excersie ect but now
I think when will I possibly have time for that? I am so tired all the time now from the stupid commute then to come home
and cook and homework and bath all by myself just feels so over whelming. At least when Sean got home at 6:30pm I
would sometimes say "ok I am burnt out, you do baths". Now it will be him home at 8:30 every night except for Thursday
and Friday.

Weekends are a bust. I am going to be on my own with the kids both days all day.

I don't know how women do this. How they have jobs and take care of the kids on their own. They are super hero's to me.

I guess I should not bitch and moan and be grateful I have kids to take care of and a house and a job. It is just so hard
to find balance sometimes. Balance. That is my problem. I am a Libra and need balance. I think my life is out of balance
and it makes me feel worse and over whelmed.

I feel bad I was in such a crapy mood last night. I barked at everyone. Ayden got another level Zero so I have to take him
to Wal-Mart tonight to get pokemon cards. He is so excited. Who have guess a boy who could not get below a level 3 before
Christmas would be getting Zero's EVERYDAY. I am gona be broke but a deal is a deal. I said 3 zero's in a row cards and 5 zero's
in a row is McDonalds.

Now we have to work out something at home. He and Gracie have been really saucy lately. Ayden and I have this problem with
video games. I call him again and again to come up to eat or homework or what ever and I get "just a second Mom I need to
finish this level and I can stop cause I can't save it yet" if I say no come now (which he never does the first time or some times second or third) he gets so mad. Stomping up the stairs yelling. Last night I started calling him to come up and it took Sean coming home going down and flicking off
the TV for him to come. Then Ayden was so mad. I did not do homework with him. I said Sean he is sitting here yelling at me
because he never got to finish the level, I don't need this shit you do the homework.

My friend on the bus and I were walking from the station and I said thank god another day done. She said you know we should not say that and wish way our days. Got me thinking she is right.

Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the woods and it is cold and the wind is blowing. I am standing in front of all these different paths. I just don't know which way to go. I just want my Mother to whisper in my ear and give me some guidance. Boy I really do miss my mom. I wish there was a phone connection to heaven.

Ok now that I am more depressed I will close for now

Queenie