Today I am confused and need some of your guidance.

Two issues are bothering me today.

Ayden in school. Or maybe just disciplining him. There was an incident at school. Nothing major or out of the ordinary to that school anyway. But when he first told me what happened I told him like you used to say “if you tell me the truth you may get in trouble but not as much trouble if you lie to me”. So as it turns out he “left out” part of the story or as he likes to put it “told me most of the truth”. So now he is in trouble. Again not so much for what happened at school but for lying about it.

So Sean and I talked about consequences. We decided it had to be severe in order for him to get the message. So we decided no friends in he is not allowed out with them, no video games or movies in his room at night for 7 days. When we tell him he is crying and mad and saying “but I tried to tell you everything, I said there was hands on” I started to wavier. Sean is looking at me like DON”T GIVE IN. I said ok since there seems to be a misunderstanding on what was said or not said, I will reduce your punishment from 7 to 4 days. He was still pissed but I said that was that.

He went in the house and then said he hated me, I am no fun, I never let him have friends in, we do not do anything fun on the weekend, this house was so boring. On and on. I was really mad because I try so hard to be the fun mother. Kids are always in my house coming and going and we do stuff on the weekends. Sean said he is only saying it because he was mad and I should not be arguing with him.

So now it is 4 days of punishment and I am dreading it.

Yesterday was day one. The weekend is the main days. The hardest days. It is going to be nice out this weekend. Sean is like no stick to our guns. I am like easy for you to say because you work all weekend and will not hear the constant wine of I want go out.

But if I give in I will never get control….. Boy it is hard

My second problem is Dad and this wedding. We are so totally not talking hardly anymore. He is such an ass now. I am suppose to be quiet and go with the flow of the “new” family. Because I stopped going over there so much or talking to him I think he thinks I am complying. But I am not. I am still me and I still think the family has gone to a complete shit since you died. You would not be happy.

So he is making a list of people invited. Aunty Cathy is the problem. He is such a hypocrite in this area.
He says she is your sister not really have a relationship to him and he has not seen her since the funeral that much. But there are other of your family he has called and invited. He likes them better. I want to say well if you want to technical, your fiancée was Ma’s best friend for over 30 years and you did not like her very much then but you are marrying her now. See this is where my problem is. I want to say it. It is on my tongue. It seems like it is a matter of time before I do.

This all may be a mute point if he decides to invite her which I hope he does. If he does not, I feel like I must make a stand. How do I do that exactly. I can not boycott the Wedding if for nothing else then it would break the kids heart as they are in the wedding and Sean and I are Djing it as well.

I don’t know anymore……..

I wish you were able to help me. Whisper in my ear what to do. I guess I have to rely on my instincts and what I think you would do….

I love you and miss you very much

Love Me

Hello Mom

I just want to first say I am sorry. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I remembered the time Di was at your house with me and you all were talking about your mothers. You started to cry a bit. I rolled my eyes. I thought oh lord here she goes again with the drama. I look back on that now and it makes me sick to my stomach that I did that. I did not understand. To be honest I wish that I still did not understand.

I see you in a different light now. Maybe I understand some of your actions or the way you were. You used to say the only person who loves you unconditionally is your mother and I believed you and knew you were right but I guess the full impact of that has not hit me till now. I wish I understood better before in a way that maybe I could have helped you. Nan's death put a dark spot on your soul. A darkness you could not shake. You reached out to others so much, as was your way, but now I see maybe you were trying to push back that darkness but sending out so much light to other people. Ironic to think on it now because you were the one giving helping and caring but I think you were the one who needed reaching out to.

I could never understand your pulling away from your family. Could not see why. It made me mad to see you go against what you and Nan taught us that family was everything. But now I see. You felt like Papa abandoned you didn't you. You were hurting and he turned his back and found a new life and pushed you and yours away. It hurt to much to stay and watch the family you remembered turn into something you did not understand. New rules, new philosophies.

I feel that darkness now. I guess we all have it in us. I think my stress leave brought it out initially. But now it is like a shadow inside me. I felt like I tried so hard with Dad and the family when you left then when Dad finally turned on me it just made the blow that much harder. I was trying to fill up the hole with being "helpful". I tried to make them stay together and do things. I tried to be there for him and be accepting and loyal to him. Tried to make the others see the light. He was so unsure in the beginning, asking for reassurance from me, acceptance that I gave willingly. I wanted to help.

I look at our family now and I don't know who they are. We are strangers. I think was my Dad always like this? Did you shelter us from this side of him. Was your personality so strong that we did not see how he was. I don't feel I am part of them. I am in a room of my family yet I feel so alone. There is no unconditional love there anymore. There are new rules, new ways of doing things.

You were such a powerful force in our lives. You were our light. A kick in the ass when we needed it but a friend mostly. I guess sometimes the only thing I can think of doing is just turning to my own husband and kids and be their light. Enjoy the company of friends and the kids in the neighbourhood. You would be proud to see my house is the do drop in now in the neighbourhood for the kids. They all feel welcome. Di and Aaron come allot. She says my house is somewhere she feels welcome and safe. I honour your memory in that way.

But I think is my darkness going to consume me like it did you? I don't know. I think did your darkness lead to all of your health problems then later to your death. Will that happen to me? I do not want to create a self full filling prophecy either. I have gained weight. I think am I destined to be a larger women genetically? Did the heaviness in your heart make the heaviness of you? Was that you filling a emotional hole you could not find any other way of filling?

I see your signs. I know you are watching out for me and mine. I know your love and support are there. Sometimes I try so hard to sense you. Wanting more signs more comfort from you.

Life is hard sometimes. Being a parent is such a joy and such a struggle. I feel very over whelmed sometimes. I want to ask you questions on how you did it, how did you cope. Someone to share the burden with. My backup who I did not need to ask for, one that was just there.

I pray you are happy and content with Nan in heaven. I hope that you watch down on us but I know in your heart that we all will be ok and I guess everything will be as it should be in time.

Thank you for being such a wonderful mother and a beautiful person Mom. I don't think I ever told you that enough and I hope you can hear me now.

I love you and miss you so much

Kenna

What is it meant by being a good parent? Sometimes I wonder. If you are generally ok and have a few off days it is ok? No one is perfect right? Why is it when you have a crappy day of being a parent we beat ourselves up so much? Why is the guilty feeling so strong in us? If we snap at them then later look back and think I would not talk to my friend like that why do I think I can talk to my child like that. Then I think about a Dr. Phil Cd I was listening to. He said basically the kids get the most shit dumped on them because the are the person in the house with the least amount of power. Doesn't that sound awful?

Sometimes I have all these questions or stresses about parenting and what is the right and wrong thing to do. Then I look around for my frame of reference. I look for advice. The only person who's advice I depended on is gone. But I can not use my mother's death as an excuse to be a crappy parent.

Life just seems so complicated. So heavy and stressful. It just spills into everything else. You have so much other burdens in your life or things you are trying to work through. I think am I bringing my kids down? Does my heaviness or dis organization or stress or sadness spread to them? Is my mood affecting them in a negative way?

They are pretty good kids. They have their moments like everyone else. They are smart and beautiful and social and caring. But I look at the parts of their personalities and I think did they get that from me? A negative trait. Like Gracie can be saucy, or the way she is saucy like something I say or do. Or I wonder where Ayden's temper comes from? Is that me too? Am I affecting them in a negative way?

A friend of mine once told me we are all human and it is important you let your kids see all of that tears yelling laughing ect. But I think about Dr. Phil and what he said.

I am tired and frustrated a lot of the time. I have a crappy schedule. But it is not the kids fault. I guess it is not really my fault either. I moved out of the city and did not realize it would be so hard to find a job where I moved to. Now I guess I am kinda stuck commuting.

I keep thinking, I need to find a way to work it all out. I must own 5 organizers. I kid you not. When they go on sale in January I buy a bunch but I never seem to end up using any of them. I have good intentions but in the end I don't use them. I read books, take notes, research and print stuff off of the net. Make routines schedules ect but it just does not seem to work itself out.

I think at what point do I just try to stop organizing and go with the flow? Or is the key to make a schedule and stick to it not matter what?

Like house cleaning. Of course first of all it is an oxymoron. Your house never can stay clean. But at what point do you say, ok the shoes will never be "tidy" all the time so stop getting upset when you see the PILE of them all over the floor. Do I clean sweep my house and give everything to good will or do I collect up everything and have a yard sale? Sean rolls his eyes over yard sale because he says they are so much work and I end up giving most of it for basically nothing anyway.

It is a very complicated thing life. I guess that is the point tho isn't it? How do we learn if we do not struggle?

Queenie