Today started out as a sad day. I am missing my Mom today. My Mother died last November. We did not get along very well when I was a teenager but after I got married and had my kids we became very close. She babysat my kids and stayed at my house a lot. My kids completly adored their Nanny. She was their soft place when Mommy was having a crappy day. Mom and I talked a lot about marriage/husbands/kids ect and the best part was what ever we said stayed between us and she like never got mad at my husband if I told her he was an ass. She got along well with my husband which was nice because his mother died when he was a teenager. They would sit up at night watching tv chatting..... It seems like more then a year but also just like yesterday. It was a Sunday night. My phone rang after midnight. I got the phone but was half awake. I heard this is the police calling, your mother called 911 and we had to break into the house. I am thinking what did he say? I said is she ok? I could have swore I heard him say she was stable. So I called my brother who lives down the road from me. I told him Mom called 911 but is stable. See my mother was very over weight and did not take very good care of herself, so we thought that this might be a good thing and it might be the kick in the ass she needed to get it together and get healthly. So on the way to the hospital I called my siblings and my Dad (who was away visiting his mother in another province). I told them all no problem she is stable will update later. So we made it to the hospital long before the ambulance. We are waiting in the hallway and I said to my brother "why are we panicing?" He said no need to panic till you know what is going on. Still at this point we think it is ok. I am thinking in my head that when she comes in I am gona joke "HEY so this is how you try to get out of babysitting!". So a bit later the doors burst open and she came in and they were performing CPR on her. It was werid cause it seemed like I was standing there for hours but the nurse swept us away to "the room" pretty quickly. My brother said ok now is the time to panic. I still thought it was ok because I heard her moaning.
So after an eternity the doctor and nurse come in and say "I'm sorry" I freaked. I called him a liar, told him I heard her moaning. He told us that "the body" can make those noises. They told we later what happed, apparently a lot of over weight people die this way, she was in the bathroom. The pressure from using the bathroom made a blood clot go from her leg into her heart/lungs. Basically it is like smothering to death. They said she probably pressed 911 send and died right after because she never talked to the 911 operater. They told us, I am sure for comfort "it would have only lasted a few minutes, the pain before she stopped being able to breath". I thought you hold your breath for a few minutes and see how you feel.
I ran outside and tried to dial my family but I could not press the right buttons so my brother did it. We were all in shock. My kids took it really badly. They were 6 and 3 at the time. My son -6- just stopped talking very much. He was like ignoring it. My daughter did that at first. I guess they kinda did not get it. But during the funeral my daughter was walking around and decided to sit on my Dad's lap (she is such a papa's girl) she lifted his glasses and wiped his tears and said why are you crying Papa? I don't know what it was but it was like she just got it. She came over to me and started to cry saying I want my Nanny. It was so sad. I think people who were not crying were as soon as they seen my baby girl sob. So after the ceramony I think that she and I will go and get some flowers to keep, I did not realize they took away the coffin. She walked in the room and stopped in her tracks and said WHERE IS MY NANNY BRING HER BACK HER RIGHT NOW! She just lost it. I could not take it, my Dad had to take her out of the room. Then she sat on the couch in front of the door arms crossed pissed off "I am not leaving without my Nanny" Took us 45 minutes to talk her off of the couch adn out the door. Since then the kids have had bad/good Nanny days. Sometimes at night then come in my bed crying for their Nan. Some days we look at her Memory book I made them and we laugh about stuff that she did. My Daughter likes to say "you know Mom, Nanny said accidents happen" every time she like spills something.
I feel really bad for them because she was so close to them and their soft spot, nanny spoiled her grandchildren to bits. My husbands mother is alive so they have no grandmother at all. Unfortuatly my sister does not really bother to spend time with them and everyone is always busy. I always think I am not enough for them, how can I be a parent and be strict and stuff but also have the softness as a Nanny without letting them walk all over me? I know sometimes I really do give in or get them extra stuff because I know that no one else does that for them now. I wish that they were closer to my family so they would have someone else to lean on.......
So that is what I was thinking about this morning and why I feel blue........
Queenie

Today I have a delema. Here is the thing, my mother passed away last November. My father started dating a very good friend of my mothers at the end of the summer. I am ok with it because I feel he has the right to his life and be happy. He was very miserable after my mom died and terrible to be around, always cranky yelling ect. So he is happier and a nicer person to be around. I like the women as well, have known her a long time. Ok here is the thing..... I recently told my Aunt (mothers sister) that my father was dating (mostly because he told me he was going to propose new years eve but that is another story) so I don't want people to know nothing at all to Bamm he is engaged. Ok so anyways I told me father I let my Aunt know. He asked me how she reacted. I did not tell him much just surprised/a little sad ect. See my Grandmother passed away about 8 years ago and my mom and her sister were very close. My Aunt is kind of a lost soul so my mother was like her second home to come to when she needed a shoulder and stuff. My Aunt was just worried that if my fathers girlfriend was around if she would still be welcome. She and my Dad like each other but are not really that close. I said of course you are welcome to the house, come at Christmas and drop in. (we all go to my parents house for christmas) ok i know i ramble sorry just needed to give a bit of back ground. So my Dad says in not so many words that my Aunt being there depends on how his girlfriend feels or how my Aunt makes her feel. I was kind of upset because my mother house has always been open and welcoming to everyone and I know my Dad is not going to be the same way but to start to shut out or not be so welcoming to our family? I don't know, I want to tell my Dad that it is not right, my Aunt is not going to be mean to the women or anything she is not that kind of person. He just seems to be all about his girlfriends feelings and such. It bugs me because she may be his ex-sister in law but she is still my Aunt. For Family gatherings I don't see why she can not be included like always like it always is, am I wrong? Should I say something or not?

Well here we are at another week! I commute to work everyday 1 1/2 - 2 hours to get here and aprox 2 to get home. Sucks. When we moved I did not think it would be so hard to get a job in the area. Wrong. So now I am a commuter. Don't want to move back because we live in a better area and the kids have friends and such. Just gotta plug on I guess. It is just hard because I do not have a lot of time at home and I am trying to find a way to organize my household with my kids, you know to do homework eat bath clean up ect. Oh well, cleaning is over rated anyway, vacume and the kids and their friends walk through a room and BAMM it looks like it was never touched! Having issues with my son at school. He is 7. I worry about him because he used to be such an open child but as he got older he became quieter. Is ok, I know it is his personality and my husband is a quite person. But he gets in trouble at school. He and his buddies are always playfighting and getting into trouble. It is frustrating because I told the teacher, you put all these kids in the playground with no toys, equipment, direction, but with tons of energy and then want them to "make" up things to do? They play act there video games. They are using their imagination but not the way the teachers want them to. So today my son has office detention. He went with his friends to the front of the school (which is a no no) and was throwing around sticks and branches. My son says "I had to follow my friend" I used the old line "if you friend jumped off of a bridge would you" Lord I sound like my mother! He says he did tried to talk to the teacher but they never listen or believe him anyways....
Well we will see, I will find out how detention goes later
Have to work now so will check in later.....

Ever have one of those days, isn't it always one of those days! I need to find more time in the day, anyone know how to do that? Sometimes being a mother/full-time employee/wife/pet owner/daughter/sister/aunty just does not leave a lot of time in the day. Not that I am complaining, i love my family/dog but I wish someone would have given me a how to book. Somedays I feel like a great mother and sometimes I know I am crappy. I just read Tales from the Scale (which was a great book) and it was very relateable. I laughed a lot. It was nice to read about real people and their weight loss issues. I blame my extra weight on when I got pregnant with my kids, hung on to 20 extra pounds per kid, mind you they are 4 and 7 but that is besides the point! I guess what I liked about it is to learn how to love yourself no matter what size you are but still strive to be healthy (how ever you do that). So I guess that is where I am at. How do I manage my house/life with no time/energy?