It seems like forever since I have been here. I often thought I stopped blogging because I was better and to blog again meant I wasn't. And here I am because I don't think things ever really got better, I just wanted them too.

Yesterday was my birthday. I think it was probably the worst birthday of my life. The kids were mis-behaving all day and Sean was working. I kept reminding the kids it was my birthday and the best present they could give me was too behave. Ha. Sean came home and I brought out the cake he got me on Friday. My sister in law and nephew came and we blew out the candles. Sean I guess in his way was trying to be nice to me. I was just in such a mood all day. I just felt so unloved all day. I don't know what exactly I wanted from Sean maybe just attention but I was putting the kids to bed and vacuuming upstairs and he said let me do it and I said no I got it I am almost finished. Maybe I said it in a quick voice.

I went to shoppers and then came back. I was sitting on the bench. I just made the kids lunches and such and did not talk. I was not rude I just did not have anything to say. He went down the basement where he always goes. I went upstairs to check on the kids and waited for him to come up. Not for sex (that time of the month) just to talk and hold me. He never came. I watched a little tv then called him to come up stairs for a few minutes. He said for what, I said it is my birthday can you spend 5 minutes with me. He came up and I was crying and I said can’t you spend some time with me, he said I tried you are in a mood. I said by asking to vacuum and I said no? I was almost done anyway and it was no big deal for me to finish it. I said Sean no one else seems to care about me and you are all I got and it does not seem like you even really care. What does he say NOTHING. He just laid there. I started crying even more. I told him to go back to what ever he was doing and he LEFT. I was so hurt and mad.

I slammed the bedroom door (a clear don’t come in this fing room sign). He went to sleep in our son’s bottom bunk. I wrote him a note and left it on his pillow that I was tired unhappy and not satisfied in this marriage and if he was honest he would say the same thing. I told him I had enough and we either quit or fix it.

Great birthday eh…..

I think this is partly our marriage but also a lot of it is me. I am not dealing with my mothers death well and the separation with my Father has really done a number on me.

It is just my house is so heavy and sad and fighting and negative all the time. My kids are fighting or getting yelled at all the time but I know it is all part of a vicious cycle we have created. No one is happy. It is like there is no joy in my house anymore. The kids act out and we over react. I can say I yell at my kids pretty much everyday and then I thought, do I tell them I love them and kiss and hug them everyday. Oh my god I cannot say for sure I do but I can say I yell. Sean and I seem to always loose our patients.

Last night after Sean came home about an hour, I had been telling the kids to get ready for bed for which they as usual gave me a hard time. Sean just lost it. The kids were jumping on each other fooling around (which we do not like because someone always ends up hurt and crying but they still do it) and the next thing I hear is him yelling and then my daughter crying. She said Daddy hurt my arm. I looked at it and I don’t know if he grabbed her off of my son or hit her arm but it was really red and very hot to the touch.

I said to him you hit her and left a mark, he said I did not hit her that hard, I said if that was not hard I would hate to see what hard it because you caused a red mark. He told her he was sorry for hitting her so hard but he got very frustrated because she was not listening. I heard him and though, God haven’t I said that a hundred times I am sorry but you guys…… I know saying Sorry BUT negates the sorry.

I just think a lot of this unhappiness in our lives makes us react, and like Dr. Phil says, who is the weakest family member who has no power in the house that people take their frustrations on? The kids.

How do I fix this when I am so messed up I don’t know how to fix myself?

It is my job as there mother to guide them and support them and love them and provide them a soft place to call home. Not a battle ground. Sean and my son are just as bad if not worse. They are forever fighting and Ayden says he hates Sean.

I just want to give up.

I cried myself to sleep begging God and my mother to help me, guide me.

I cried on the bus this morning on the way into work. I feel such heaviness in my heart and soul. Like I cannot breath and I am stuck in this darkness. I don’t know how to get out here. How do I start………

My father and mine relationship is just worse then ever. I have been talking to my therapist and she says I have issues with feeling abandonment from my mom dieing and my Dad getting remarried and just turning his back on us.

I have been struggling with my weight. That is so hard. I lost some but gained it all back. I am now taking diet pills and it kind of scares me because one of them contains caffeine and I was talking wake up pills before because of the fatigue ( from my hate full daily work commute) and it made me sick.

Sean and I have so many issues. We have such high debt. We are both spenders. We pay off cards and run them back up so high till we have to sell Bonds and stocks to catch up but still we go into the over draft and run up cards on things we do not need. We never see each other, there is just no time. He works shift work and we are not off on the same days we never seem to connect. We are both so unhappy and cranky and over whelmed all the time. And sex, we have been having problems there for many years, Sean has a problem which he refuses to acknowledge or get help on and I am so tired of it. So much so that I register on an online site for cheating on your spouse. I have not pursued anything and don’t know if I will even log on again but I have thought seriously about it.

So that is it in a nut shell.

I just feel like I am on a slipper slope. I do not want to have another break down again. I want happiness and joy in my life. I want to make my families life better. I know it is about choices but how do I fix it?
Where do I start? I wish so hard that my mom could be here to guide me, help me, be my soft spot to depend on. I need that so badly. I am not a good mother/wife at this point and I hate that. I think I hate myself sometimes for being weak.

Well I guess I will close for now because I have to work and I do not want to cry at my desk

Queenie

I think it has been ages and ages since I posted anything, everyone must thing I faded away.....

I guess blogging served its purpose for me for awhile, it was an outlet when I needed one the most. Then I just kind of drifted away from it. Never seem to have the time to type.

I thought since I was sitting here and it is quite I would check in on some old friends and see if scratch has written any more cool stories.

I guess I have been feeling really lost lately. I keep thinking that all of the things that have happened to me lately is the universes way of pushing me back on the right track or teaching me some profound lesson I am just not getting. It is like a darkness has just gotten a hold of me and I am not sure how to step out of the clouds.

We were in a car accident in the beginning of May. We had just come home from Canada's Wonderland where we had a fun day. We were just minutes from our house when we were crossing through an intersection and a kid made a left turn into our drivers side of our van. We ended up leaving the road, hitting a pole down the drivers side and up a hill where we crashed into the back of a building.

No one was majorly hurt thank God and my angle mother. The van was toast. We are now dealing with the nightmare of car insurance and personal injury. We all (kids included) have whiplash and Grace Sean and I have back pain. Pain in the ass is more like it. They just make the whole process so difficult. Are you hurt enough seems to be the big question. My poor baby girl, only just turned 5 and she has to deal with back and neck pain! My son seems to be the least hurt but the most emotionally damaged. They were asleep before the first hit and he was in the middle so woke up to see this brick wall coming at us. He does not like to talk about it. He does not like to talk to the Chiropractor about how he is feeling or if anything hurts. He says "i am ok i am not hurt from the accident and I don't want to talk about it" I am putting him in therapy this week to work it out.

Sean is hurt and has been not working full time. He has a lot of emotional issues over the accident. He is still stressed over the whole thing. He thinks about it alot. What he could have done different. The other driver has been charged with fault but he still feels bad because his family was hurt and we are his responsibility.

I am just frutrated. It is me dealing with all the insurance stuff and short term work agents. I want to tell them all to kiss my ass, we did not cause this accident yet we are the ones with the misery.

The other day I went to take out our old van and as I got to the end of the driveway and hit the brakes the van was not stopping. It ended up that the brake lines rusted and all the fluid leaked out. Thank god again we were in the driveway and not on the road.

I see the blessings here. We were lucky we were not hurt badly or a lot worse then we are but why? Everything happens for a reason right? Everything has a purpose or a message so what am I missing?

I have been so pessimistic lately and I see my 8 year old boy picking up on it. He is so negative lately. I realized the other day he sounds just like me! It is a terrible feeling to know you influenced someone in that way. I don't want him to be like that, always seeing the bad not the good. I felt so bad.

How do I lift this cloud and get back on the path and find my balance?

I miss my mom so much. During this whole ordeal I just kept thinking, if she was here she would help me, she would take of me and help me take care of my family. My Dad is very into his own life. Can not blame him I guess. I guess though in her own way she is taking care of us. I believe that. At the accident the windows shattered and Sean and I had glass on us but the kids did not. I found the guardian angle pin she gave us all for our cars that you put on your visor between the kids seats. I like to think she got the angles to shield the kids so they would not get glass on them.

I need her direction. I need her hug. I wish I felt that comfort of knowing when someone has your back.

Ok baby girl in the house now whining about having no friends (she has sooo many) so I will take her up for her bath...

Later
Queenie

Hello Mom,

Well just when I thought things couldn't get worse....

Big fight with Heather today from work that was a lot of raised voices and tears and mean things and ended with her dramatic never wanting to speak to me or my kids ever again.

I guess what started today’s fight was an email I sent to her. I sent it because last night she was here with Aimett to plan the wedding shower. Ayden had had his tamogotchi stolen at school and he was really upset. He reacted typically as you would expect an eight year old to react. He was very upset and wanted me to get him another one. I was trying to talk to him about it and Heather kept saying things like "why should your mother buy you a new one, you don't respect the toys you have, what lesson would she be teaching you, you are spoiled, bla bla bla. I said he did not loose it someone stole it. So anyways , she was mad because she had taken them out for mcd and kite flying and he didn’t tell her thank you. I asked him and he said he did but he is quite and maybe she did not hear him.

It did not stop there. I was making invitations on the computer and the kids kept interrupting. Like kids do. I said they are driving me crazy and she is like "that is because your kids run this house and run you" I was pissed but I did not say anything.

So at work today I was talking to my friend and decided to type my sister an email because generally we do not do well with communication on the phone. I wrote the first copy and my friend thought it a bit soft and helped me pump it up to sound more confident. I am not blaming her for anything mind you, I chose to do the changes. Here is the email I sent
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Heather,

I wanted to get something off of my chest.

Yesterday when you were at my house I was very upset at the way you treated Ayden. I don't feel it is appropriate for anyone, let alone their aunt to treat him that way.

You were going on and on and frankly I have had about enough of you stating how misbehaved or spoiled my kids are.
You are entitled to your opinion but the way you expressed yourself was terrible, it left me questioning who is the child.

Ayden does have feelings - I think you may have forgotten that.
Let's put things in perspective - Ayden is eight, he had something very valuable to him stolen, he was upset. You act as though his reactions are unreasonable or odd. I didn't think they were.

If you disagree with the way my children are raised that is fine, you should speak with me (in private) and I am open to listen to ideas for parenting or to listen to constructive criticism.

Your comment that my kids run my house and run me also hurt me. You have so many negative things to say and yet as my sister you never ask : Kenna do you need help with anything? Are you o.k.? I noticed you seem stressed?, what is going on to make you feel so over whelmed but to just judge me? You show me no love, support or friendship any more and now it is branching out to my kids and I won't sit and watch you treat them like you treat me.

It just made me think, if I came into your house and said hello to Kirsten and she did not answer me or did not talk, how would you feel if I turned around and said to her " hey what is wrong with you? are you so spoiled brat that you don't speak to people? That is rude and you really need to get some manners". How would you and Jeff react? Freak out? Tell me to mind my own business?

I wonder if it has more to do with you and me then you and them. You and I have not been close for years now and it seems that is the way it is meant to be for what ever reason. We deal civilly with each other but have not been friends for a long time. If that is the way it is going to be that is fine just don't take it out on the kids if something about me was bothering you. Maybe someday we will sit and hammer out our differences but this is not the time or the place.

I am not saying that I don't want you to spend time with the kids because they really enjoy that. I am also not saying you can not help out correcting them when they need it, I just want you to stop and think before you react and see if you are justified in your remarks before you say them.

Kenna

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Needless to say it went over like a ton of bricks. Problem was as she was freaking out all this stuff from like long ago was all brought up. And it was like talking to Dad's EVERYONE says my kids are brats but I think everyone is wrong, I want to be the center of the universe and alienate her from everyone. I am like are you kidding? Do you think you take up so much of my time? I am apparently jealous of Dad's relationship with Jeff (her husband) and am mad he likes Jeff better then Sean. Oh please I don't think so.

She is like EVERYBODY is talking about you and all these things you do and say ect ect. It was about a half hour conversation. It was brutal. You would never know we were ever friends once upon a time. She was so angry and resentful. Bringing up like last Christmas you did this..... I was like are you kidding? Do you write this stuff down?

I said you know you said those terrible things to me about Mom dying do you still mean them and she is like yes. I said it is ok for you to say all those mean things because you said them in anger but if I said something to you in anger is it not ok? She said when she comes to my house she tries so hard not to talk to me or have any conversation with me at all but she started to and she is sorry that she did.

It was bad. I ended up in the bathroom at my work balling. My friends came in to try to calm me down and then I was super embarrassed because I was at my desk and people heard.

I was holding in tears the rest of the day at work. I came home and ate chocolate which I know is stupid because it gives me migraines plus I am already heavy so it does not help.

I am so scared of getting depressed again. Slipping back there. I don't want that to happen. I called the employee assistance program to ask for counseling. I also called the local bereavement help line to find a support group.

God everything is so much harder with out you here to help us fix it. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I have so much doubts about myself. Am I as horrible as "they" say I am?

I don't know what to do Ma, I feel so alone. I would give just about anything to talk to you right now. I miss you Mom. I wish so bad I had advice from you.

I am starting to cry again and I don't want the kids to see me so I have to go now.....

Today I am confused and need some of your guidance.

Two issues are bothering me today.

Ayden in school. Or maybe just disciplining him. There was an incident at school. Nothing major or out of the ordinary to that school anyway. But when he first told me what happened I told him like you used to say “if you tell me the truth you may get in trouble but not as much trouble if you lie to me”. So as it turns out he “left out” part of the story or as he likes to put it “told me most of the truth”. So now he is in trouble. Again not so much for what happened at school but for lying about it.

So Sean and I talked about consequences. We decided it had to be severe in order for him to get the message. So we decided no friends in he is not allowed out with them, no video games or movies in his room at night for 7 days. When we tell him he is crying and mad and saying “but I tried to tell you everything, I said there was hands on” I started to wavier. Sean is looking at me like DON”T GIVE IN. I said ok since there seems to be a misunderstanding on what was said or not said, I will reduce your punishment from 7 to 4 days. He was still pissed but I said that was that.

He went in the house and then said he hated me, I am no fun, I never let him have friends in, we do not do anything fun on the weekend, this house was so boring. On and on. I was really mad because I try so hard to be the fun mother. Kids are always in my house coming and going and we do stuff on the weekends. Sean said he is only saying it because he was mad and I should not be arguing with him.

So now it is 4 days of punishment and I am dreading it.

Yesterday was day one. The weekend is the main days. The hardest days. It is going to be nice out this weekend. Sean is like no stick to our guns. I am like easy for you to say because you work all weekend and will not hear the constant wine of I want go out.

But if I give in I will never get control….. Boy it is hard

My second problem is Dad and this wedding. We are so totally not talking hardly anymore. He is such an ass now. I am suppose to be quiet and go with the flow of the “new” family. Because I stopped going over there so much or talking to him I think he thinks I am complying. But I am not. I am still me and I still think the family has gone to a complete shit since you died. You would not be happy.

So he is making a list of people invited. Aunty Cathy is the problem. He is such a hypocrite in this area.
He says she is your sister not really have a relationship to him and he has not seen her since the funeral that much. But there are other of your family he has called and invited. He likes them better. I want to say well if you want to technical, your fiancée was Ma’s best friend for over 30 years and you did not like her very much then but you are marrying her now. See this is where my problem is. I want to say it. It is on my tongue. It seems like it is a matter of time before I do.

This all may be a mute point if he decides to invite her which I hope he does. If he does not, I feel like I must make a stand. How do I do that exactly. I can not boycott the Wedding if for nothing else then it would break the kids heart as they are in the wedding and Sean and I are Djing it as well.

I don’t know anymore……..

I wish you were able to help me. Whisper in my ear what to do. I guess I have to rely on my instincts and what I think you would do….

I love you and miss you very much

Love Me

Hello Mom

I just want to first say I am sorry. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I remembered the time Di was at your house with me and you all were talking about your mothers. You started to cry a bit. I rolled my eyes. I thought oh lord here she goes again with the drama. I look back on that now and it makes me sick to my stomach that I did that. I did not understand. To be honest I wish that I still did not understand.

I see you in a different light now. Maybe I understand some of your actions or the way you were. You used to say the only person who loves you unconditionally is your mother and I believed you and knew you were right but I guess the full impact of that has not hit me till now. I wish I understood better before in a way that maybe I could have helped you. Nan's death put a dark spot on your soul. A darkness you could not shake. You reached out to others so much, as was your way, but now I see maybe you were trying to push back that darkness but sending out so much light to other people. Ironic to think on it now because you were the one giving helping and caring but I think you were the one who needed reaching out to.

I could never understand your pulling away from your family. Could not see why. It made me mad to see you go against what you and Nan taught us that family was everything. But now I see. You felt like Papa abandoned you didn't you. You were hurting and he turned his back and found a new life and pushed you and yours away. It hurt to much to stay and watch the family you remembered turn into something you did not understand. New rules, new philosophies.

I feel that darkness now. I guess we all have it in us. I think my stress leave brought it out initially. But now it is like a shadow inside me. I felt like I tried so hard with Dad and the family when you left then when Dad finally turned on me it just made the blow that much harder. I was trying to fill up the hole with being "helpful". I tried to make them stay together and do things. I tried to be there for him and be accepting and loyal to him. Tried to make the others see the light. He was so unsure in the beginning, asking for reassurance from me, acceptance that I gave willingly. I wanted to help.

I look at our family now and I don't know who they are. We are strangers. I think was my Dad always like this? Did you shelter us from this side of him. Was your personality so strong that we did not see how he was. I don't feel I am part of them. I am in a room of my family yet I feel so alone. There is no unconditional love there anymore. There are new rules, new ways of doing things.

You were such a powerful force in our lives. You were our light. A kick in the ass when we needed it but a friend mostly. I guess sometimes the only thing I can think of doing is just turning to my own husband and kids and be their light. Enjoy the company of friends and the kids in the neighbourhood. You would be proud to see my house is the do drop in now in the neighbourhood for the kids. They all feel welcome. Di and Aaron come allot. She says my house is somewhere she feels welcome and safe. I honour your memory in that way.

But I think is my darkness going to consume me like it did you? I don't know. I think did your darkness lead to all of your health problems then later to your death. Will that happen to me? I do not want to create a self full filling prophecy either. I have gained weight. I think am I destined to be a larger women genetically? Did the heaviness in your heart make the heaviness of you? Was that you filling a emotional hole you could not find any other way of filling?

I see your signs. I know you are watching out for me and mine. I know your love and support are there. Sometimes I try so hard to sense you. Wanting more signs more comfort from you.

Life is hard sometimes. Being a parent is such a joy and such a struggle. I feel very over whelmed sometimes. I want to ask you questions on how you did it, how did you cope. Someone to share the burden with. My backup who I did not need to ask for, one that was just there.

I pray you are happy and content with Nan in heaven. I hope that you watch down on us but I know in your heart that we all will be ok and I guess everything will be as it should be in time.

Thank you for being such a wonderful mother and a beautiful person Mom. I don't think I ever told you that enough and I hope you can hear me now.

I love you and miss you so much

Kenna