What is it meant by being a good parent? Sometimes I wonder. If you are generally ok and have a few off days it is ok? No one is perfect right? Why is it when you have a crappy day of being a parent we beat ourselves up so much? Why is the guilty feeling so strong in us? If we snap at them then later look back and think I would not talk to my friend like that why do I think I can talk to my child like that. Then I think about a Dr. Phil Cd I was listening to. He said basically the kids get the most shit dumped on them because the are the person in the house with the least amount of power. Doesn't that sound awful?

Sometimes I have all these questions or stresses about parenting and what is the right and wrong thing to do. Then I look around for my frame of reference. I look for advice. The only person who's advice I depended on is gone. But I can not use my mother's death as an excuse to be a crappy parent.

Life just seems so complicated. So heavy and stressful. It just spills into everything else. You have so much other burdens in your life or things you are trying to work through. I think am I bringing my kids down? Does my heaviness or dis organization or stress or sadness spread to them? Is my mood affecting them in a negative way?

They are pretty good kids. They have their moments like everyone else. They are smart and beautiful and social and caring. But I look at the parts of their personalities and I think did they get that from me? A negative trait. Like Gracie can be saucy, or the way she is saucy like something I say or do. Or I wonder where Ayden's temper comes from? Is that me too? Am I affecting them in a negative way?

A friend of mine once told me we are all human and it is important you let your kids see all of that tears yelling laughing ect. But I think about Dr. Phil and what he said.

I am tired and frustrated a lot of the time. I have a crappy schedule. But it is not the kids fault. I guess it is not really my fault either. I moved out of the city and did not realize it would be so hard to find a job where I moved to. Now I guess I am kinda stuck commuting.

I keep thinking, I need to find a way to work it all out. I must own 5 organizers. I kid you not. When they go on sale in January I buy a bunch but I never seem to end up using any of them. I have good intentions but in the end I don't use them. I read books, take notes, research and print stuff off of the net. Make routines schedules ect but it just does not seem to work itself out.

I think at what point do I just try to stop organizing and go with the flow? Or is the key to make a schedule and stick to it not matter what?

Like house cleaning. Of course first of all it is an oxymoron. Your house never can stay clean. But at what point do you say, ok the shoes will never be "tidy" all the time so stop getting upset when you see the PILE of them all over the floor. Do I clean sweep my house and give everything to good will or do I collect up everything and have a yard sale? Sean rolls his eyes over yard sale because he says they are so much work and I end up giving most of it for basically nothing anyway.

It is a very complicated thing life. I guess that is the point tho isn't it? How do we learn if we do not struggle?

Queenie

Well today things are looking up a bit now. I spent way to much money at Walmart but I finally took down the UGLY curtains in my living room. My Mom and brother had made them and put them up when I moved in four years ago. I was grateful for the help and never told them how UGLY I thought they were. I kept them up for four years so I think I deserve to take them down now! I also bought a bunch of black glass frames and blew up some of my pictures of the sunflowers I had in my garden last summer. I have to say they look pretty good. Just waiting on Hubby to come home from work to help me hang them.

I cleaned up the kids rooms today. That took hours. I just don't know how to keep on the mess in there. It seems fine one day then the next day DISASTER. Sometimes I am very resentful that I spend all of my off time on the weekends clean clean clean. No time for me.

Working on a schedule but have not worked out the kinks yet. I need to devise a plan on after work with homework cooking and how do I let them have friends in the evening if there is only 3 hours from the time I pick them to bed time and there is homework, eating, baths, tiding up ect? Maybe I should not let them have friends at all during the week?

Then there is house work. I really want to write up a schedule for me and Hubby. I mean he helps but there is a lot of things he does not do not necessarily because he will not but because he does not think of it.......

Hummm

Anyhow, I still have the dog. My husband and kids really do not want to give him away. They really want to keep him. I told them we will give it another shot.

Kinda weird with my Dad now. I really feel the distance. I don't know if he notices or not. I just don't talk to him too much anymore. He wants it that way. I wonder if he likes it or even notices? Don't really feel like we are part of each other lives. I don't know what he is up to and he does not know what I am up to. It is almost like we went from one extreme to another. He thought I was too dependent now it seems like we are really distant.

I was thinking about joining a grief support group. Not one on one therapy but a group of people who have lost their mothers. I guess I don't want to feel so alone. I don't really talk about my mom to my siblings much.

Got this urge to paint my house. Poor hubby. I get the urge but he does the painting. hehe The big decision, what color to paint the living room? My one end curtain is burgundy and the other end is like a royal blue. I have a denim couch (quite faded) and my pictures are of sunflowers (yellow, red, orange, pink) any suggestions? I wanted to paint it a dark color but everyone says NONONONONO someone suggested like a coffee color, what do you all think??

Well I am going to close now and go make hubby some dinner before he gets home.

Hope to hear from you all soon
Queenie

Well today things are looking up a bit now. I spent way to much money at Walmart but I finially took down the UGLY curtins in my living room. My Mom and brother had made them and put them up when I moved in four years ago. I was greatful for the help and never told them how UGLY I thought they were. I kept them up for four years so I think I deserve to take them down now! I also bought a bunch of black glass frames and blew up some of my pictures of the sunflowers I had in my garden last summer. I have to say they look pretty good. Just waiting on Hubby to come home from work to help me hang them.

I cleaned up the kids rooms today. That took hours. I just don't know how to keep on the mess in there. It seems fine one day then the next day DISASTER. Sometimes I am very resentful that I spend all of my off time on the weekends clean clean clean. No time for me.

Working on a schedule but have not worked out the kinks yet. I need to devise a plan on after work with homework cooking and how do I let them have friends in the evening if there is only 3 hours from the time I pick them to bed time and there is homework, eating, baths, tiding up ect? Maybe I should not let them have friends at all during the week?

Then there is house work. I really want to write up a schedule for me and Hubby. I mean he helps but there is a lot of things he does not do not necessarily because he will not but because he does not think of it.......

Hummm

Anyhow, I still have the dog. My husband and kids really do not want to give him away. They really want to keep him. I told them we will give it another shot.

Kinda werid with my Dad now. I really feel the distance. I don't know if he notices or not. I just don't talk to him too much anymore. He wants it that way. I wonder if he likes it or even notices? Don't really feel like we are part of each other lives. I don't know what he is up to and he does not know what I am up to. It is almost like we went from one extream to another. He thought I was too dependent now it seems like we are really distant.

I was thinking about joining a grief support group. Not one on one therapy but a group of people who have lost their mothers. I guess I don't want to feel so alone. I don't really talk about my mom to my siblings much.

Got this urge to paint my house. Poor hubby. I get the urge but he does the painting. hehe The big decision, what color to paint the living room? My one end curtin is burgendy and the other end is like a royal blue. I have a demin couch (quite faded) and my pictures are of sunflowers (yellow, red, orange, pink) any suggestions? I wanted to paint it a dark color but everyone says NONONONONO someone suggested like a coffee color, what do you all think??

Well I am going to close now and go make hubby some dinner before he gets home.

Hope to hear from you all soon
Queenie

I am really upset today so instead of getting frustrated with my kids I decided to blog it out. Today is my Dad's birthday and last year we started a tradtion of going out for peoples birthdays. But since the last conversation, where I was told it is not my place to plan anything as I am not the head of the family I decided not to say anything. So I called my sister in law looking for my Dad to ask wish him happy birthday and remind him about picking up Ayden from Science Club. She would know where he is because my Dad usually takes Gracie and Dylan skating on Tuesdays.

She says Heather (my sister) and her husband Jeff are taking my Dad out to lunch and since Carson (my brother her husband) does not see Dad very often Heather mentioned to them to come. First of all that is such a crock of shit. Carson see's Dad as much as everyone else and let me tell you either way it would not really matter to him.

She is like oh but you know we are paying for ourselves, Heather is paying for your father ect ect. Trying to make it sound I don't know, I guess better but all the while the over explaining was turning it into something it was not suppose to be.

Anyway, was I mad? Yeah I was. I thought my sister is off work today and my Dad has no evening plans so their was no reason why it could not have been made for supper not lunch so we could join just like last year.

If it was just Heather and my Dad it would not have been such a big deal but why did she invite Carson Aimett and their family and not us?

But in a way I should not have been surprised because nothing is the same since my Mom died. We don't do family things anymore. No one seems to think they are important anymore.....

So then I make the next big mistake. It is eating at me all day. I am telling myself in my head let it go let it go let it go......
It is bugging me. I don't want to say anything because then it will be oh look at Kenna being dramatic. I think if I don't say anything I will bust.

So my Dad calls my cell, I was like oh I was looking for you to remind you about Science club ect and his voice was so phony. He was like I was at a party today. I said what party? He said oh no not really a party, the kids just took me out to lunch. I was like what ever....

Of course the rest of the way home I am thinking about all of the things I should have said. This and that and this and that. I am talking out loud to my mom (who is in heaven but listening) and I was like a women possessed.

I reached into my purse and called him back. I was like (very calmly) can I ask any reason why we were not invited? He said because you were working. I said did Heather have a shift tonight? No. I said did you have plans tonight? No. He said well for the last few years Heather and I go out to lunch on my birthday. I said really, last year it was the same place the same time the only thing missing was me sean and the kids. He is like no it was on the weekend? I was like no it wasn't because Ayden came out of school early for it. He is like oh I don't know.

HE is like don't turn it into something it isn't. Don't make a big deal for nothing. I said I am not overly mad Dad I am just seeing exactly how things are going ot go from now on. He is like well I am old I don't think of everything like you guys do. I said exactly why I was planning things because you don't remember things and I don't leave people out.

So then as soon as I pick up my kids my son who never forget anything, says "are we going out to the restuarnt with Papa now? I swear a word did not come out of my mouth to say they went out before that. I said not this year Papa went out with Aunty Heather and Tia already. Part of me should not have said that because I was mad and wanted them to share in that mad and that was wrong and stupid of me. Gracie says that is not fair that we were not invited.

So they call my Dad to wish him happy birthday and the first thing out of Gracies mouth is why did not I get invited to go out? He gets mad at me for telling them but I said that that was the first thing Ayden asked me. He said oh I am sorry bla bla bla. I will have a cake on the weekend for the kids WHATEVER.

SO then I slip and do the blunder. I say I am not surprised about Heather anyway, because I am trying so hard to be nice to her and she is such a cold fish when she is here and not friendly at all so why do I bother even trying. This would be breaking his new rule on how he is my father not my friend and he is not intersted in hearing about my problems especailly with my siblings. Now he is getting mad at me telling me to give her a chance, I am always so dramatic, I blow things up bla bla bla. I say you know what that was a mistake to even say that to begin with because you are not my friend and you are getting mad at me and I am only gona get mad at you and here we go again so just forget what I just said.

So once again I just proved to him how apparently "immature" "dependant" on am on my mother transferred to my father.

I hate myself for not stopping and thinking before I speak.

Now I am sitting her so frustrated and I want to cry. I want to cry for the mother I so miss so much and for the "family" that died with her.

I don't want to take it out on the kids and loose patients. The have a bunch of friends over makeing a mess, drinking all the juice boxes and I just want to yell "GET OUT".....

I am going to take the kids out to McDonalds because I feel bad about them not going to dinner although truth be told right now I don't think either of them cares very much. I told them it was for good jobs on thier report cards but I think I just think I want to get out of the house and the kids can play in the play thing and Sean and I can just sit and talk or just sit and relax or something....

Ok I am going to close now as Sean should be walking through the door any minute.

Thanks as always for listening when I need it....

Queenie

Thought I would blog today because I am super duper cranky. Better to rant and rave on the web then continue yelling at the kids....

Ever have one of those days? I am tired. I went to bed late the my hubby left early for work and the kids got up early so I could not sleep. Decided I would tidy up and have a nap in the afternoon. I think I must be mentally challenged. Have a nap in the afternoon. Unless my kids are unconsious or not here it will not happen. The only thing that happens is the more I try to sleep and can't, the crankier I get.

Now the friggen dog is whinning and whinning and whinning. The kids are just fooling around but yelling and being loud and it is all driving me crazy.

I decided to clean up my kitchen. Sean found all these dishes we did not know we had. I wanted to organize them. Can someone just please shot me and put me out of my misery. I read the FlyLady website and tried to shine my sink. It ain't shinny.

Now the friggen dog is BARKING AND BARKING AND BARKING. Remember he is 140 pounds so his bark is LOUD. Did I mention he is sitting right beside my chair as I type.

Then I am mad so I order Pizza for dinner. I am an emotional eater. I am mad so I order pizza. Stupid. So I just spent 50$ and got crap for dinner. I will throw some veggies on the kids plate to make my consious feel better.........

My kitchen is piled high on the counters and kitchen top with pans/dishes. I tried to wipe out the cupboard of the spilled oil but it just will not come out. UG........

I just want a nap

It is a day when you just get mad at yourself for being so cranky. You think I am a crappy mother. You feel sorry for yourself.

How do you organize life? Because you know as Oprah says, you are upset over the kitchen sink but really it does so much deeper then that. I feel like I am running in circles. My house is a mess all the time. I just never have enough time and energy to get anything done. Sometimes I feel one step ahead and two steps back.....

I guess the first thing is to stop feeling sorry for myself. Check

Get off my ass and put the stupid dishes away, when I am finished writing.

One thing I can say was ok today is I did a craft with the kids and the kids next door who were here ALLLLL day. I did a bit of laundry.
The cupboard in the kitchen is sorta clean. The dog did stop barking. My son just told me he did not want me to give the dog away. He just gave me a whole argument for it.

Do you think kids have an indoor voice? I kinda think it is just on or off! I think they have a wax build up so they can not hear each other unless they yell. Maybe my crankiness has made my hearing more acute.

I need a magic wand. A friend to kick me in the ass and help would be nice too. Don't have either at the moment though......

Ok I am going to close for now, the kids are playing on Seans big screen tv and he will freak out if there is finger prints on it...

Later Blog Friends

Queenie