I am a bit of a mess this morning so I figured instead of lying in bed looking at the clock I would come down and type it out.

I feel like I am falling apart. Today I just feel a lot of despair. I hate feeling like this because to me it is being weak and I hate to be weak. Sometimes it just seems like you can’t get it together, like no matter how hard you try, how fast you run, you can never catch up. One thing happens and it just sets off a chain that brings all this other stuff in that has nothing to do with it but does anyway. I don’t know does that make sense?

I guess it is an accumulation of things but I called in to work Monday that I was not coming in. My supervisor emailed me back to say she wanted to talk to me. I have a friend at work and I called her to ask her what is going on. Now this friend V, I like and we are buddies but I also know how far it goes. She would probably sell me down the river if needed and she is a bit of a kiss ass but that is ok because I know that is what she is like and it takes all kinds right? Anyway I am not stupid enough to tell her anything that could get me into trouble but we are chummy enough that we do talk about personal stuff. See I don’t know why I even had to say that. But anyways…..

I called her and asked her what was going on. She said our supervisor was doing evaluations today and told her I was in trouble. Now I know this was a two sided conversation and I only have one side but I get the jist of it. I guess the problem is the amount of off days I have had this year that does not include my vacation days. It is approximately 15 days. I know that might sound bad but it I don’t know what to say. In my office and my department especially people are off a lot. For various reasons to legit to one of the staff is the supervisors best friend and she does not mark him off and turns the other way a lot.

I have never been spoken to about off days. I was sending my supervisor an email when ever I was off and telling her the reason. Like the real honest reason which I guess is coming back to bit me in the ass. Reasons ranging from if me or the kids were sick to Gracie up all night crying for her Nan and I did not get any sleep to my babysitter not being able to take the kids ect.

Anyway, apparently she told my friend my day off yesterday was not acceptable and that she was giving me a choice of loosing a days pay or taking a vacation day from next year. See the thing is, there are lots of people in my office who are off a lot more then me for other reasons and one girl in another department who is her friend who is off all the time and I know it has nothing to do with me or any of my business which is true. But I wonder why I am being singled out and if this other girl or any other staff for that matter was faced with this choice. Do I even have the right to ask that??

Then there is the fact I want to stand up and say “ GIVE ME A F**ING BREAK PEOPLE I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN MY MOTHER DIED A YEAR AGO AND MY BABY HAS BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL TWICE FOR PMONIA AND I AM NOT SUPERWOMEN”

I was off on stress leave last year for 4 months, I was having a hard time with the commute and keeping life going with out getting over whelmed ect. I came back to work in the being of November. Three weeks later my mom died and Gracie was in the hospital after that a couple of times. I feel like I never had the chance to get it together from the stress leave when BAMM all this other stuff happened. I try so hard to go on day to day and get my stuff done and do what I have to do but sometimes I get so tired, not just physically but emotionally. I want to crawl under my covers and never come out.

Then I think about my kids and am I doing a good job with them. Is it good enough. Do I spend enough time with them? Is my weakness or stress or what ever affecting them and how I parent them? My son is having trouble in school, not just behavior but work wise (just got his report card today) and I think what can I do to help him. What am I not doing to help him?

I went to the doctor for my physical a while ago and she found an irregular heart beat. This is nothing to panic over and can be very normal and develop in people at any time. But to me, I think my grand mother died at 60’s my mom died at 59 am I going to die young too? Is it genetic? I know that is stupid. Also I am over weight. Not like huge but about 40 pounds more then I should be. My doctor is like you need to get that under control. Both my Grand mother and Mother were severely over weight and their weight contributed to the reason they died. Get my weight under control. Ok I will add that the friggen bloody list of every thing else I have to do when I have a minute.

Where the hell do I find time for that? I barely have time to pee by myself let alone find time to exercise. I know I should. I know I need to but how when where?

So all this stuff runs through my head when I hear my supervisor is going to talk to me about my absences. I have to be careful when I talk to her because she does not care about me or my problems. She is my supervisor not my friend. I don’t want to say anything they can use against me. I can not loose my job, if I do it means I loose my house my family’s way of life. Not that we live high on the hog or anything but I mean if we lost the house the kids would loose their feeling of safety, being with their friends, school ect.

One good thing I can say for this very second is my migraine appears to be getting better. I ate chocolate today and I should not have but we were running errands today and I thought maybe it would give me a bit of a kick. What it gave me was a migraine. I have migraine medicine but it just was not getting the job done. So I went to bed at 5:30pm.
Woke up and took some Tylenol and back to sleep. At 1am I woke up feeling shitty with my neck still really hurting. Right now I can say the combination of all the stuff is finally working……

Maybe this mini break downs via the internet are good for me to get out. Maybe this is the way to deal with them. Or maybe I am just avoiding the big picture. But what is the big picture? Is this stuff normal? Everyone has problems so what makes me any different?

I just wish I could cope better. Sort stuff out. Be more in control and organized. My house really needs a clean through and organized. I am trying to fix up the playroom in the basement and move around stuff in Gracie’s room but I just never seem to have the time. Poor Gracie can not even walk around her room there is so much stuff piled in the middle I have not had a chance to sort through and put away.

Maybe I need a time machine. Stop time go back and have more time to get things done.

So now it is 2:30 in the morning, I can not sleep and I have to get up and get ready for work in 3 hours. I will be tired and dragging my ass all day. I kind of messed up my sleep going to be early but I really needed the rest.

Ok I should stop rambling now and try to go back to bed for an hour.

Thanks for listening, even if it was me listening to myself……

Will update on the supervisor meeting tomorrow

Queenie

I think I am becoming addicted to blogging. How sad is that. I guess it is partly because I don’t really have any friends I hang around with. I used to PC (pre-children) when I was single and then when Hubby and I first started dating. After we got married and had kids that was the end of that. You just pour so much time and energy into your family you and your life takes a different path. I mean our common thing was going out to the clubs dancing and drinking. Mind you it was great fun at that time but just not my bag anymore. I think now I miss having good friends. I have friend friends and work friends but not good friends, do you know what I mean?

I know the Mom’s of my son’s friends and we are friendly. I think I realized it at my Mom’s funeral, one of my brothers and my sister had a whole bunch of friends that showed up. My two friends from work came which was very nice. I really appreciated their support but we do not hang out. Maybe grown up friends do not hang out? Maybe that is a teenage thing…..

My suppose to be best friend who I have know since I was 3 has not kept in touch with me very much over the years. I sent her cards and letter from the kids. She did not even call me when my mom died I called her and have not even her from her since. Not once. I wrote her a couple of emails and called and left messages but I never hear back from her or it is a couple of lines of nothingness. I guess it just goes to show you we are not as good of friends as I thought we were.

Maybe your family is suppose to be your friends. Scary thought there. Maybe the kind of friendship I have with people at work and neighborly friends is the way it is. Maybe the kid of friends I am looking for do not exists?

God that is depressing…………

Well today hubby and I are hooking off of work. He is worried I am going to get in trouble but I don’t care. My daughter has an appointment with a specialist today for her asthma and I have a million errands to run and things to fix/clean ect. It is hard to get things done around her because Hubby’s off days are during the week and mine are on the weekend. We are never home all day on the same days unless it is a holiday or we play hookie!!

Ok hear hubby up and need to get the kids stuff ready for school so I will check on Blog World later…..

Queenie

Went to the Santa Clause Parade with my family today. There was about 15 of us lined up on the side walk. It started to pour down rain! Thank god my sister in law is prepared for anything and had trunk full of umbrellas and tarps. We still got wet but it sure was not as bad as it could have been!!!

I got really emotional at the parade. Christmas was my moms favorite time of the year. I started to get really chocked up and tears were in my eyes. I told myself to get it together though. I did not want to upset the kids by seeing me upset. Not the time or the place……

Decided when I got home, since my kids want to buy gifts for all of their friends that we are going to have a Christmas party and do a friends secret Santa. I am sure my hubby is going to kill me because I don’t just have parties I have theme events. But oh well, what the hell! The kids will have fun, save on buying a bunch of gifts and I will be decorated anyway!!! Hope all the parents want to participate…..

Well not much else going on, just re-arranging my daughters bedroom and the basement playroom. What a chore. Sorting out stuff. I need to purge. So many little toys with no homes!! UG. Ok I should stop stalling…..

Later Queenie

Hey everyone out there in blog land......
I have a black lab Deisel who is 140 pounds of pure baby love. Ok he is two and half but in his mind he still is a baby and thinks he is a lap dog as well which can be funny except when you are the lap he wants to sit on.

Anyway my question is on dog toys. He is a major chewer. Major. I am having a hard time finding chew toys and toys for him that he does not destroy in minutes. I went to a pet store and they suggested this rope toy that was good for flossing his teeth as well if he could get it apart. I told the guy he is a monster chewer. He said no really it is great. Ok so I gave the toy to Deisel and I took a picture of what it looked like about 5 minutes later. You could not even tell what it was suppose to look like.

I have lots of Kongs but he is really bored with them.

Does any one have any suggestions for very very durable doggy toys and chew toys? I tried a tire (it is currently in bits). My poor baby is bored and needs something fun and sturdy. We would at least want it to last the day... LOL

Queenie