It seems like forever since I have been here. I often thought I stopped blogging because I was better and to blog again meant I wasn't. And here I am because I don't think things ever really got better, I just wanted them too.

Yesterday was my birthday. I think it was probably the worst birthday of my life. The kids were mis-behaving all day and Sean was working. I kept reminding the kids it was my birthday and the best present they could give me was too behave. Ha. Sean came home and I brought out the cake he got me on Friday. My sister in law and nephew came and we blew out the candles. Sean I guess in his way was trying to be nice to me. I was just in such a mood all day. I just felt so unloved all day. I don't know what exactly I wanted from Sean maybe just attention but I was putting the kids to bed and vacuuming upstairs and he said let me do it and I said no I got it I am almost finished. Maybe I said it in a quick voice.

I went to shoppers and then came back. I was sitting on the bench. I just made the kids lunches and such and did not talk. I was not rude I just did not have anything to say. He went down the basement where he always goes. I went upstairs to check on the kids and waited for him to come up. Not for sex (that time of the month) just to talk and hold me. He never came. I watched a little tv then called him to come up stairs for a few minutes. He said for what, I said it is my birthday can you spend 5 minutes with me. He came up and I was crying and I said can’t you spend some time with me, he said I tried you are in a mood. I said by asking to vacuum and I said no? I was almost done anyway and it was no big deal for me to finish it. I said Sean no one else seems to care about me and you are all I got and it does not seem like you even really care. What does he say NOTHING. He just laid there. I started crying even more. I told him to go back to what ever he was doing and he LEFT. I was so hurt and mad.

I slammed the bedroom door (a clear don’t come in this fing room sign). He went to sleep in our son’s bottom bunk. I wrote him a note and left it on his pillow that I was tired unhappy and not satisfied in this marriage and if he was honest he would say the same thing. I told him I had enough and we either quit or fix it.

Great birthday eh…..

I think this is partly our marriage but also a lot of it is me. I am not dealing with my mothers death well and the separation with my Father has really done a number on me.

It is just my house is so heavy and sad and fighting and negative all the time. My kids are fighting or getting yelled at all the time but I know it is all part of a vicious cycle we have created. No one is happy. It is like there is no joy in my house anymore. The kids act out and we over react. I can say I yell at my kids pretty much everyday and then I thought, do I tell them I love them and kiss and hug them everyday. Oh my god I cannot say for sure I do but I can say I yell. Sean and I seem to always loose our patients.

Last night after Sean came home about an hour, I had been telling the kids to get ready for bed for which they as usual gave me a hard time. Sean just lost it. The kids were jumping on each other fooling around (which we do not like because someone always ends up hurt and crying but they still do it) and the next thing I hear is him yelling and then my daughter crying. She said Daddy hurt my arm. I looked at it and I don’t know if he grabbed her off of my son or hit her arm but it was really red and very hot to the touch.

I said to him you hit her and left a mark, he said I did not hit her that hard, I said if that was not hard I would hate to see what hard it because you caused a red mark. He told her he was sorry for hitting her so hard but he got very frustrated because she was not listening. I heard him and though, God haven’t I said that a hundred times I am sorry but you guys…… I know saying Sorry BUT negates the sorry.

I just think a lot of this unhappiness in our lives makes us react, and like Dr. Phil says, who is the weakest family member who has no power in the house that people take their frustrations on? The kids.

How do I fix this when I am so messed up I don’t know how to fix myself?

It is my job as there mother to guide them and support them and love them and provide them a soft place to call home. Not a battle ground. Sean and my son are just as bad if not worse. They are forever fighting and Ayden says he hates Sean.

I just want to give up.

I cried myself to sleep begging God and my mother to help me, guide me.

I cried on the bus this morning on the way into work. I feel such heaviness in my heart and soul. Like I cannot breath and I am stuck in this darkness. I don’t know how to get out here. How do I start………

My father and mine relationship is just worse then ever. I have been talking to my therapist and she says I have issues with feeling abandonment from my mom dieing and my Dad getting remarried and just turning his back on us.

I have been struggling with my weight. That is so hard. I lost some but gained it all back. I am now taking diet pills and it kind of scares me because one of them contains caffeine and I was talking wake up pills before because of the fatigue ( from my hate full daily work commute) and it made me sick.

Sean and I have so many issues. We have such high debt. We are both spenders. We pay off cards and run them back up so high till we have to sell Bonds and stocks to catch up but still we go into the over draft and run up cards on things we do not need. We never see each other, there is just no time. He works shift work and we are not off on the same days we never seem to connect. We are both so unhappy and cranky and over whelmed all the time. And sex, we have been having problems there for many years, Sean has a problem which he refuses to acknowledge or get help on and I am so tired of it. So much so that I register on an online site for cheating on your spouse. I have not pursued anything and don’t know if I will even log on again but I have thought seriously about it.

So that is it in a nut shell.

I just feel like I am on a slipper slope. I do not want to have another break down again. I want happiness and joy in my life. I want to make my families life better. I know it is about choices but how do I fix it?
Where do I start? I wish so hard that my mom could be here to guide me, help me, be my soft spot to depend on. I need that so badly. I am not a good mother/wife at this point and I hate that. I think I hate myself sometimes for being weak.

Well I guess I will close for now because I have to work and I do not want to cry at my desk

Queenie