Sometimes I worry about mental issues and depression……

My mother and brother suffered from depression and were both on medication. I myself had a break down a couple of years ago and was off work for a few months and on medication. I have been off medication for just about a year and have been in therapy off/on for a long time.

Most of the times I am ok even hopeful but when I have down days they are very bad. Last week I had a down day on the bus after my fight with Sean. Yesterday I had another one.

My bus was late, it was raining. The blocked off the street by my house so I had to detour which I hate because I have no sense of direction and was afraid I was going to get lost. When I went to go pick up the kids, they already ate at the sitters which is ok because it saves me cooking for them. When we got home the dog was jumping on us (happy to see us) and he hit Ayden’s knee. Ayden smacked him (not that it hurt the dog – lots of flab there to protect him). But I yelled at him for hitting the dog. That started it. Ayden goes to fly off the handle so easily. I guess that set the tone for us.

I tell them to go to the table to do homework. Homework our F word. Ayden starts to ask me questions to help him. Gracie asks me questions about her letters. I was getting so frustrated because I wanted to make my and seans dinner because I was hungry.

Ayden wants to go out to play, I am telling him he has to finish homework first. Yell Yell Yell some more. I go into the kitchen and it is a mess. Not an unusual mess but the normal mess. The pots and pans I needed were dirty, there were fruit flies on the counter (mystery fruit flies who NEVER go away no matter how much I clean the counter and move the fruit).

Ayden finished up homework, and asked if he could go out with his friend. Earlier when we were yelling about the dog and he was being saucy I said no going out. Of course I let him out so he would be out of my hair. Gracie asks for friends to come over (still have not gotten to go back in the kitchen) I say no friends over but you can go to friends house (they live two houses up) So she calls them (sisters) “can you guys come over, ok see you soon” click. I said NOOOOOO I said no kids in. Ding dong in come the kids and Ayden and his friend come back.

Everyone heads upstairs to play fight yell run around jump ect.

All the while the guinea pigs are SQUEAK SQUEAK – roughly translated WHERE IS MY FOOD WE ARE STARVING. I feel guilty because they are hungry. Keep in mind I have only been home maybe 40 minutes by this time.

So I chop up veggies for all the pets, tell the kids to quite down.

All the while my breathing is becoming more rapid and the feelings of being not in control and not being able to cope were getting stronger and stronger.

I just started to cry. I went on the back step and sat down and just felt so low, so defeated. The kids are running around downstairs and making noise and I thought I can’t do this. I can’t be a cook run a house be a wife and mom. I wanted to quit.

I hate these low points, it is a struggle to think positive.

After a bit I kept telling myself you can do it, you can do it.
I went back in the kitchen and stood after the sink and cried. I decided to feed the animals and cut up their veggies.

Sean came in and looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I said I am stressed. He went to put his stuff away. My first reaction was to get mad because he did not stay right then and there and keep asking me or comforting me. But I waited. After a bit he came back over asked me what was wrong.
I sobbed out the whole story. He gave me a hug and started to clean up the dishes. It was such a nice gesture. I cooked the pork chops and he cleaned up the pots.

I mean I guess it was not all about the kitchen being messy (because it ALWAYS is on a daily basis) but it made me feel so good when he asked how I was and hugged me and just put his hand on my shoulder while I was cooking. It was very comforting when I was feeling so alone.

Queenie