Hello Mom

I just want to first say I am sorry. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I remembered the time Di was at your house with me and you all were talking about your mothers. You started to cry a bit. I rolled my eyes. I thought oh lord here she goes again with the drama. I look back on that now and it makes me sick to my stomach that I did that. I did not understand. To be honest I wish that I still did not understand.

I see you in a different light now. Maybe I understand some of your actions or the way you were. You used to say the only person who loves you unconditionally is your mother and I believed you and knew you were right but I guess the full impact of that has not hit me till now. I wish I understood better before in a way that maybe I could have helped you. Nan's death put a dark spot on your soul. A darkness you could not shake. You reached out to others so much, as was your way, but now I see maybe you were trying to push back that darkness but sending out so much light to other people. Ironic to think on it now because you were the one giving helping and caring but I think you were the one who needed reaching out to.

I could never understand your pulling away from your family. Could not see why. It made me mad to see you go against what you and Nan taught us that family was everything. But now I see. You felt like Papa abandoned you didn't you. You were hurting and he turned his back and found a new life and pushed you and yours away. It hurt to much to stay and watch the family you remembered turn into something you did not understand. New rules, new philosophies.

I feel that darkness now. I guess we all have it in us. I think my stress leave brought it out initially. But now it is like a shadow inside me. I felt like I tried so hard with Dad and the family when you left then when Dad finally turned on me it just made the blow that much harder. I was trying to fill up the hole with being "helpful". I tried to make them stay together and do things. I tried to be there for him and be accepting and loyal to him. Tried to make the others see the light. He was so unsure in the beginning, asking for reassurance from me, acceptance that I gave willingly. I wanted to help.

I look at our family now and I don't know who they are. We are strangers. I think was my Dad always like this? Did you shelter us from this side of him. Was your personality so strong that we did not see how he was. I don't feel I am part of them. I am in a room of my family yet I feel so alone. There is no unconditional love there anymore. There are new rules, new ways of doing things.

You were such a powerful force in our lives. You were our light. A kick in the ass when we needed it but a friend mostly. I guess sometimes the only thing I can think of doing is just turning to my own husband and kids and be their light. Enjoy the company of friends and the kids in the neighbourhood. You would be proud to see my house is the do drop in now in the neighbourhood for the kids. They all feel welcome. Di and Aaron come allot. She says my house is somewhere she feels welcome and safe. I honour your memory in that way.

But I think is my darkness going to consume me like it did you? I don't know. I think did your darkness lead to all of your health problems then later to your death. Will that happen to me? I do not want to create a self full filling prophecy either. I have gained weight. I think am I destined to be a larger women genetically? Did the heaviness in your heart make the heaviness of you? Was that you filling a emotional hole you could not find any other way of filling?

I see your signs. I know you are watching out for me and mine. I know your love and support are there. Sometimes I try so hard to sense you. Wanting more signs more comfort from you.

Life is hard sometimes. Being a parent is such a joy and such a struggle. I feel very over whelmed sometimes. I want to ask you questions on how you did it, how did you cope. Someone to share the burden with. My backup who I did not need to ask for, one that was just there.

I pray you are happy and content with Nan in heaven. I hope that you watch down on us but I know in your heart that we all will be ok and I guess everything will be as it should be in time.

Thank you for being such a wonderful mother and a beautiful person Mom. I don't think I ever told you that enough and I hope you can hear me now.

I love you and miss you so much

Kenna